Thursday, April 10, 2008

Making my wife SMILE

Mandy has had stressful couple of days latley and i thought of something that might cheer her up. When we started dating she would tell me Jack Handy jokes and just bust up laughing. We are a big fan of the 'lame' joke. The kind only real friends laugh with you about. Where you say one random word and it becomes a joke haha. Lame :). Love it. This is for you baby. Hope it makes you smile :D

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.

2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

3. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

4. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried
and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good
joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting
pretty late.

5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

6. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

7. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

8. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

9. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

10. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I
bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.

11. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not
add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

12. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure
owed me a lot of money."

13. If you ever fall off the Sears tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

14. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you're swimming.

15. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.

And the Best for last baby
16. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down in some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."


kandi said...

LOL!!!! I am 100% bustin' up laughin! Geez I miss the good 'ole SNL. Jack Handy ROCKS!! And hey...thanks for making your friends wife ( smile, too!

betsy said...

I want to meet Jack Handy. I love those quotes, thanks for sharing...

Jake said...

Glad you ladies liked those. Google his name online and you'll find a bunch more. Mandys favorite one was that last one. Jacks always good for a quick laugh session :)

Katie & Co. said...

"Consider the daffodil...and while you do, I'll be over here looking through your stuff." Man, I forgot how excellent those are. Good one!

contactjak said...

I haven't read those quotes for a long time. Just another thing Mandy and I have in common. I love those. Thanks for making me laugh.

Meilani said...

The above comment was actually me, Meilani =).

Meilani said...

So. . . I copy/pasted these onto my family website and my brother and sisters went crazy. They love them and started posting tons more. Then my sister, Becca started posting Chuck Norris jokes. It was so fun. Thanks for the inspiration.